miserablism

So there I am stripped down to bra and knickers for the “before” photo.

I find a copy of last weekends paper to hold as visual proof of the date and proceed to try and take a selfie in the bedroom mirror. But I can’t coordinate my face with the camera and still get all of my flabby glory in the photo.

My face is droopy and my mouth turned down.

All of a sudden it occurs to me that I don’t need this. I don’t need a reminder of how I look now. I have plenty of photos from recent holidays where I look like I look now, just with more clothes and an upturned mouth. I don’t need to see this picture of miserablism. I don’t do rear vision mirrors- I’m strictly a horizon girl.

More importantly, this journey for me is more about the inner transformation than the outer. The recognition I want for the success I will have will be coming from inside of me.

This is a light bulb moment.

Our ego, our Sun needs recognition from external sources to feel valued and worthy, yet when we rely on it too much we find that we compromise parts of our authenticity to seek approval from others.

I have a strong Uranian energy in my birth chart. This means that I have a streak of complete individualism. The sort that doesn’t really fit in. In the past I have turned myself into whoever I need to be to fit in, to be accepted, welcomed, liked.

I’m not going there anymore. Those who love me, know me. Those who want me to be someone else can learn to live with disappointment.

Part of the reason I have held onto my weight has been almost a rebellion- as if I am daring those around me to love me unconditionally. Even though I’m fat, even though I’m doing something they don’t approve of, even though I have beliefs they don’t agree with.

I’m now ready to strip the layers, risk the disapproval and lay myself bare. I’m now ready to see who I really am underneath the protection of kilos and fat girl clothes.

And for that, I don’t need to post a photo of myself on my stats page. I don’t need to be eligible for the best transformation. The only person I want to impress with my progress is me. And I already know what I look like.

More importantly, I already know how this feels right now- and the commitment I’m making to myself is to never feel like this about myself again. We’ve shaken hands on it.

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Categories: My Journey

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