going without goals….

‘A good traveller has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving.’ ~Lao Tau

Today is the 4 week mark since I started this 12 week plan to fit into smaller jeans. By today I should be:

  • 5 kgs lighter
  • be able to run 2kms without stopping.

I wrote about it here.

The result?

  • I’m just 500g lighter
  • After last weeks Bridge “Run” disaster I’m not sure that I’ll ever run again, let alone 2kms without stopping. Let’s just say I’m glad that I wasn’t paying my acupuncturist by the needle the other day!

So now I’m beating myself up. Again.

There’s no logical reason why I failed to achieve these targets:

  • I had the support of a nutrition and exercise plan
  • The goal was realistic
  • The goal was achievable
  • The goal fulfilled all of those other SMART requirements

The only thing I can put it down to is that I’m not entirely sure that I want it enough. There, I said it.

I want to lose weight, I need to lose weight, but I’m still struggling with the mind-set of what I have to change in order to lose weight. I don’t think I want it enough. A very large part of me doesn’t feel that I deserve it.

The truth is, I’m still holding on to things I need to let go of, I’m still trying to control things that I can’t control, and I’m still clinging to a version of myself that’s out-dated.

I’m still afraid to be all that I can be.

Astrologically that’s Jupiter and Pluto, but I won’t confuse you with an explanation. The thing is, I’m pretty sure I know what it is that I’m holding on to and I know what it is that I’m scared of. I’m not sure I have the courage to do what I need to do about it.

And until I do, all the goals in the world won’t help me.

In fact, the very act of goal-setting, at present, is reinforcing my view of myself as being not good enough. I hear it in the language I’m using. I’m seeing the goals and the self-imposed restrictions as barbed wire fences with armed guards patrolling them. I’m deliberately sabotaging myself. It’s why I put on weight when I start things like this- I actively rebel against it. Emotionally immature, I know.

I was reminded of this the other day when I read a post by a twitter friend about being goal-less. Then I came across this one in Zen Habits.

Someone is trying to tell me Something.

So I’m thinking that I need to stop. Stop dieting, stop chasing goals, but just be.

That doesn’t mean living without purpose, hell, I can’t do that. I have to always have something to look forward to, but that in itself is part of the problem.

I lose focus on today as I gaze at tomorrow and end up playing catch-ups…which ultimately leads to me beating myself up again.

The courage to let go will come as I get stronger. I will get stronger as I am nicer to myself. And as long as I continue to set myself up to fail I’m not being nice to me.

So, for now, I’m focusing on mindfully not pursuing distant goals. I’ll surround myself with the vision of where I want to be and what I want to let go of, and I’ll actively make the choices that are better for me and be responsible for those. I’ll exercise because I want to. Rather than my usual all or nothing, I’ll choose one habit a week. But I’m not setting myself up to fail anymore.

I’m letting go of that one already.

This doesn’t mean that I’m quitting, more that I’m learning more about who I am and what I need. If this change is to last for ever, it needs to come from within me. At my pace. I have to really want it.

It’s time to grow up.

Categories: Goals, Habits, My Journey

Tags: , , , , , , ,

2 replies


  1. droptober… | Are Your Planets Keeping You Fat?
  2. 2013- with intent… « Are Your Planets Keeping You Fat?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s


Things maybe I shouldn't write about

The Ambling Blog

Don't just dream it...do it!

But I Smile Anyway...

Musings and memories, words and wisdom... of a working family woman

Best Bookish Blog

Independant Book Reviews and More

Unfold and Begin

Embracing Life With Creativity and Curiosity

Tracking Down The Family

Family History and Genealogy

The Tiny Potager

Mindful, Seasonal Living in Middle England - with a family of seven

Where London's history happened - in the pub

Murders, plots, assignations, historic meetings - London's pubs are bursting with history.

Life at No. 22

Suzanne's Life and Travel Musings from New Zealand and Beyond

Picture Retirement

retired from work, not life

The Glasgow Gallivanter

Adventures at home and abroad

Stuck In A Rut

Seeing the funny side of everyday life

Retirement Reflections

What I Wish I Knew Before I Retired

Natalie the Explorer

Taking steps to live a healthy and enriched life

Sanch Writes

Life. Poetry. Stories. Books. Mostly Imperfect; always authentic

Behind the Scenery

Grateful for the present moment

Natalie the Explorer

Stars and Scales

Sizzling Towards 60 & Beyond

Helping Women find a meaningingful lifestyle in MIdlife & Beyond

Cresting The Hill

Stars and Scales

%d bloggers like this: