‘A good traveller has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving.’ ~Lao Tau
Today is the 4 week mark since I started this 12 week plan to fit into smaller jeans. By today I should be:
- 5 kgs lighter
- be able to run 2kms without stopping.
I wrote about it here.
- I’m just 500g lighter
- After last weeks Bridge “Run” disaster I’m not sure that I’ll ever run again, let alone 2kms without stopping. Let’s just say I’m glad that I wasn’t paying my acupuncturist by the needle the other day!
So now I’m beating myself up. Again.
There’s no logical reason why I failed to achieve these targets:
- I had the support of a nutrition and exercise plan
- The goal was realistic
- The goal was achievable
- The goal fulfilled all of those other SMART requirements
The only thing I can put it down to is that I’m not entirely sure that I want it enough. There, I said it.
I want to lose weight, I need to lose weight, but I’m still struggling with the mind-set of what I have to change in order to lose weight. I don’t think I want it enough. A very large part of me doesn’t feel that I deserve it.
The truth is, I’m still holding on to things I need to let go of, I’m still trying to control things that I can’t control, and I’m still clinging to a version of myself that’s out-dated.
I’m still afraid to be all that I can be.
Astrologically that’s Jupiter and Pluto, but I won’t confuse you with an explanation. The thing is, I’m pretty sure I know what it is that I’m holding on to and I know what it is that I’m scared of. I’m not sure I have the courage to do what I need to do about it.
And until I do, all the goals in the world won’t help me.
In fact, the very act of goal-setting, at present, is reinforcing my view of myself as being not good enough. I hear it in the language I’m using. I’m seeing the goals and the self-imposed restrictions as barbed wire fences with armed guards patrolling them. I’m deliberately sabotaging myself. It’s why I put on weight when I start things like this- I actively rebel against it. Emotionally immature, I know.
Someone is trying to tell me Something.
So I’m thinking that I need to stop. Stop dieting, stop chasing goals, but just be.
That doesn’t mean living without purpose, hell, I can’t do that. I have to always have something to look forward to, but that in itself is part of the problem.
I lose focus on today as I gaze at tomorrow and end up playing catch-ups…which ultimately leads to me beating myself up again.
The courage to let go will come as I get stronger. I will get stronger as I am nicer to myself. And as long as I continue to set myself up to fail I’m not being nice to me.
So, for now, I’m focusing on mindfully not pursuing distant goals. I’ll surround myself with the vision of where I want to be and what I want to let go of, and I’ll actively make the choices that are better for me and be responsible for those. I’ll exercise because I want to. Rather than my usual all or nothing, I’ll choose one habit a week. But I’m not setting myself up to fail anymore.
I’m letting go of that one already.
This doesn’t mean that I’m quitting, more that I’m learning more about who I am and what I need. If this change is to last for ever, it needs to come from within me. At my pace. I have to really want it.
It’s time to grow up.